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1. Increase
the Level of Respect You Feel Towards Your Spouse.
When was the last time you lost control in front of someone you greatly respected? We tend to have greater control
over our words and emotions when we respect those around us. The greater the level of respect you feel towards
your spouse the easier it is to listen to your spouse. A respectful tone of voice comes naturally and it is easier
to think before you speak. To learn how to increase the level of respect for your spouse, read the Respect Pamphlet
from the Healthy Marriage Pamphlet Series by clicking here.
2. Stay in Control. A basketball coach will call a time-out when things are getting
out of control. He calms his players down and helps them focus on what they need to do to accomplish their goal.
The same principle applies in marriage. Learn to call time-outs. There is no limit to the number of time-outs you
have, so use them as frequently as you need. For more details on this principle, read the Time-Out Pamphlet from
the Healthy Marriage Pamphlet Series by clicking here.
3. Look at the Conflict From Your Spouse's
Viewpoint. Many conflicts come from
simple misunderstandings. Misunderstandings can easily be discovered if you first take time to see the conflict
from your spouse's viewpoint. Before you attempt to share your viewpoint make sure you completely understand your
spouse's viewpoint. This exercise can also help you discover compromises you might have otherwise overlooked.
4. Change Your Conditioning. One researcher found if he rang a bell when he fed
a dog, eventually he could just ring the bell and the dog would begin to salivate. The same conditioned response
can happen in a marital relationship. Certain phrases such as “We need to talk” or “Your mother” can cause your
heart rate to rise and your brain to kick into “Fight” or “Flight” mode.
The first step to changing this conditioned response is to recognize what is happening. Make a list of the phrases
that set you off. Brainstorm with your spouse a list of alternative phrases that can be used. Before using these
new phrases make sure you have a game plan in place to implement tip #5.
5. Make it Safe. It's easier to ignore the “Fight” or “Flight” urge if we feel
safe in a conversation. As soon as we feel attacked or backed into a corner it's almost inevitable we will fall
into “Fight” or “Flight” mode. This is why we need to work extra hard at helping our spouse feel emotionally safe
during a difficult conversation.
Tone of voice, body language, facial expressions and our choice of words all significantly contribute to the level
of safety our spouse feels during a conversation. If they feel threatened by any of the above, chances are pretty
good they will either fight back or retreat. As soon as you sense your spouse is either fighting back or retreating,
you need to immediately stop and figure out what you said or did that made them no longer feel safe. Once you figure
it out apologize and make the appropriate change. If you don't stop immediately then you will likely get pulled
into a downward spiral where you both end up saying things you will later regret.
By taking the time and effort to learn and implement these 5 tips you can significantly decrease the number of
times you find yourself on one side or the other of this photo. But, implementing these tips isn't easy to do.
Changing how you interact during difficult conversations takes time and a lot of effort. However, ask yourself
if you would rather continue dealing with the emotional fall-out from acting like these lions or make some changes
and prevent losing control in the first place.
A healthy and happy marriage is within the reach of all couples who put the time and effort into achieving it.
Learn even more skills and information that
can help you form and sustain a healthy marriage by taking a healthy marriage education workshop. To find one in
your area visit the directory of marriage education programs at the SmartMarriages website by clicking here.
Sign up for the Healthy Marriage Monthly Tip by clicking
here and we will notify you when we add a new image.
Click here
to see other photos of animals teaching us how to have a healthy marriage.
We also recommend you buy and read
Dr John Gottman's latest book on strengthening marriages Ten Lessons
to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship for only $16.50 from Amazon.com by clicking here .
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